


Till the End of the Line

by Buckybeardreams



Series: The Classifieds [24]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Loses His Arm, Bucky was Little for it but still..., Classifications, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, I would skip if you're concerned about being triggered, Like really bad..., Littles Are Known, M/M, Mentioned Spanking, Multi, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Spanking, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Domestic Violence, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, This whole piece is pretty rough, alternate universe - classifications, and there's some shit dragged up from his past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26653897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buckybeardreams/pseuds/Buckybeardreams
Summary: The mission comes to an abrupt end for Steve and Bucky, when plans go awry. Things only seem to get worst when they return home.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: The Classifieds [24]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1898527
Comments: 36
Kudos: 68





	1. Bucky's Loss

**Author's Note:**

> Oh no!
> 
> I'm seriously concerned about how this will be received. Idk what's happening guys...
> 
> There's no happiness in this
> 
> Just pain and then the reopening of an old wound, ugh!
> 
> I'm so sorry, this is awful. What have I done??
> 
> Do be cautious reading this one. 
> 
> It does mention a really intense spanking that Bucky received in the past. 
> 
> It's brought up multiple times, and opens a whole can of worms that I'm not sure anyone's ready for. I'm not ready for this guys. So not ready.
> 
> Can we please just turn back the clock and go back to new years eve, when everyone was happy...?

Sam's heart froze when Phil showed up at his door. He looked like hell and the words he uttered sent Sam into a panic. He didn't even say goodbye to Tony, his mind too caught up in getting to his hurt Little. He raced there, passing the speed limit and not caring. His heart was pounding in his chest and his lungs felt like they were on fire as he ran into the building.

Maria Hill, the Agency's Deputy Director, met him and filled him in on what happened, as she lead him down a series of halls.

"There was a complication. The boys were on a train. Their objective was to get inside and take out a known terrorist-

"I don't care about the mission. Tell me about Bucky." Sam snapped.

Maria sighed and gave him a grave look.

"He fell-"

"Fell? Off the train? When it was moving?" Sam interrupted again, his blood freezing in his veins at thought of his Little tumbling off of a moving train.

"Yes. It was on the side of a mountain. Quite frankly, the fact that he survived at all, is a miracle. We think it had to do with the serum in him, though we're not one hundred percent sure. As far as we know the serum doesn't make his blood cells repair wounds faster. It does seem to allow them to endure more than any human should be capable of enduring though."

Sam barely heard her words. Mountain. He fell off a moving train on the side of a mountain.

"You're telling me, he fell off a mountain."

"Yes, I am. He's in surgery right now. He has extensive damage to his rotator cuff."

"His what? What does that mean?"

"The muscles and tendons in his arm are-" She paused. "Their not fairing well."

"What are you saying? Tell me, dammit!"

Maria gave him a leveled look.

"He might lose his arm. We're doing everything we can to save it, but it doesn't look promising."

Sam couldn't think. His mind was whirling.

"Steve. Where's Steve? Is he-?" He couldn't make himself finish the sentence.

Please let him be okay, let him be alive. He can't lose him. Bucky can't lose his arm and Steve all in one go.

"Steve's fine. We had to sedate him in order to get Bucky into surgery, but you can see him. Bucky will most likely be under for hours. Steve should come to in twenty minutes or so. If he's violent, we might have to restrain him or sedate him again. So we're hoping your presence will be enough to subdue him."

Sam glared at her, but didn't say anything.

"Take me to him. Now."

* * *

Steve was awake and raging mad when they arrived at his room. The nurse was cowering in the corner as he turned over the machines that he had most likely been attached to. There were two large men trying to restrain him and failing sorely. Sam was livid. How dare they do this to his little boy, who was clearly distressed about Bucky.

"Enough!" Sam yelled, his voice deadly.

Steve froze at the sound of his Caregivers voice.

"Everyone out." Maria ordered and the men left, the nurse darting after them.

The door was shut and Sam was left with his distraught Little. Steve's eyes welled up with tears as he turned to face Sam and he dropped to his knees, his face buried in his hands. He cried, his body shaking with the force of his sobs.

"Sammy, I'm sorry. I t-tried, but I couldn't save him. I wasn't- I couldn' . Oh god, I'm s-sorry."

"Hey, no, shh. It's not your fault." 

Sam's arms wrapped around him, pulling him off the ground. He lifted the boy up, holding him close.

"I messed up, Sammy. 'S all my fault."

"No, Stevie, it's not, baby. You did great."

"No, I didn't." He sobbed.

"Shh, don't say that. Yes, you did. You were perfect. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Bucky's alive, baby. That's all that matters now."

Steve shook his head, gasping for air.

"N-no. His arm, Sammy. Y-you d-didnt see it. It was bad. There was so much- so much blood, Sammy. So much." 

Sam didn't say anything. He just held hi boy in his arms and sat down on the bed. What do you say to that anyways? He can't promise everything will be okay. How can he? Bucky might lose his arm. Bucky's not going to just be okay with that.

"I'm going to be right here with you. I promise. No matter what. I'm always here for you." He settled on.

It was the most true thing he could say in that moment.

* * *

When Bucky came out of surgery more than ten hours later, they wouldn't allow Steve in his room, since he was Little. Sam was furious, but they wouldn't listen to him. So they had to watch him from a window. The barrier made them feel a million miles apart from the sedated Little laying on the hospital bed.

He was all bandaged up and though they couldn't see it from the window, they knew his arm was gone. Steve had nearly lost it when the doctors told them, but Sam held him tightly and refused to let him go. Eventually, his anger faded, and he had melted into a puddle of tears and sobs in Sam's arms.

Steve was asleep on his lap when Bucky woke up, that's the only reason Sam was allowed to bring him into the ER. They still weren't happy about it, but they didn't fight him on it too much. He carried the sleeping Little in and Bucky's eyes found them. His body was restrained on the bed, so he couldn't move and cause further injury to himself. A broken sound left him when he tried to reach out for Sam, but couldn't. His eyes were alert, and darting around the room in fear.

"Sammy!"

Sam closed the gap between them, shifting Steving so he had a free hand. He grabbed Bucky's hand, squeezing.

"Shh, I'm right here, baby."

Bucky squeezed his hand so hard it hurt, but Sam didn't complain. He just whispered soft words, hoping to soothe the frightened boy.

"Hu'ts, Sammy." Bucky sobbed.

"I know, baby, I know."

Bucky didn't correct him. Didn't say he was a big boy, and that was a testimony as to how hurt small the boy felt. Sam pressed the button by his bed, to call in a nurse.

"Has he had pain meds?" Sam asked the nurse, when he came in.

The nurse glanced at his chart.

"Not yet. I'll go ahead and give him some."

The nurse sent Bucky a reassuring smile. The boy tried to shrink away from him anyways. His restraints held him in place and Bucky whimpered. His poor baby. He looks so scared. It killed Sam to see him like this. The nurse injected somehyyuign into his IV drip.

"There you go, Bucky. That should help you feel better, okay?" The nurse said, giving him a sympathetic look.

Bucky's lip quivered. He looked away from the nurse. His eyes pleaded with Sam to help him. Sam felt so helpless, unable to do anything for his Little. He couldn't fix. He couldn't make it better. That was the worst feeling ever for a parent to feel. The next words Bucky spoke, only made Sam feel worst, because he couldn't give him that either.

"I wan' my daddy, Sammy." He said, sounding so small.

Sam's heart clenched. He didn't think Steve would be able to get Big right now. Sam didn't want to wake him up, on the off chance that he might be Big when he saw Bucky, because if he wasn't, Steve would have to leave the room. Sam knew he would fight tooth and nail to get to Bucky, Little or not. He swallowed.

"I know. I know you do. Steve's right here, but he's really Little, bud. I'm not sure he can be your daddy, right now."

Bucky's eyes filled with tears, and the horrible sound of his broken sobs, killed Sam. There was so much pain in that sound, in those startling blue eyes. His Little was suffering, all three of them really. Tony didn't even know yet. Sam doubted Phil would have told him while he was a baby, especially knowing that he wouldn't be allowed in the ER room, until he was Big.

Sam wanted to pick him up, but even if he wasn't holding Steve, the boy was bound to the bed. The thought made Sam angry. After everything Bucky's been through, he could only imagine what this was triggering inside the poor kid.

Steve stirred in his arms and Sam held his breath. He blinked his eyes, slowly coming to. Bucky's sobs broke through the haze in Steve's eyes and his head snapped around to see him.

"Put me down." He ordered Sam, his voice commanding like he was still in the army.

Sam was relieved that he was Big and immediately set him down. Steve's jaw tightened at the sight of Bucky strapped down, but he managed to contain his anger. Bucky was still clutching Sam's hand, unwilling to let his Caregiver go.

"Oh, baby."

Steve pushed his hair away from his forehead, leaning down to press a kiss there.

"Daddy." Bucky sobbed.

"Shh, my poor little baby. Daddy's right here."

The nurse came back and Bucky tensed. He glanced nervously between Steve and Sam. Sam knew he was concerned that the nurse would make them leave. Steve glared at the man, daring him to step closer. Sam stepped in. Putting himself between Steve and the nurse.

"Let's talk in the hall." He offered, blocking the nurse's path to the bed.

When the nurse finished telling him about the surgery, Sam spoke up.

"When can we remove the restraints."

The young man hesitated.

"When he's not at risk of hurting himself."

"And when will that be."

"I'm not sure, sir."

Sam had to clench his jaw to refrain from yelling at him. The kid was just doing his job. He definitely looked like a kid. Fresh out of med school, most likely. No older than mid twenties.

"What's your guess, then?" He asked, as calmly as he could manage with his blood boiling in his veins.

"I'm not permitted to give you anything, but the facts of the surgery. You'll have to contact the Director himself if you'd like more answers. I'm sorry, sir."

Sam swore. Dammit Fury! He dismissed the nurse, pulling out his phone and dialing Phil.

"Phil? How's Tony?"

"He's fine. He's-" Phil paused. "Not happy, but he's safe. He wants to see you and doesn't understand why you're gone. I wasn't sure I should tell him where you were, so I just keep telling him your coming back."

Sam flinched. It's late into the night now, Tony must be wondering if Sam's really ever coming back.

"Is he alseep?"

"No, he's not, Sam. He's probably not going to settle, until you return. He might, eventually, give into exhaustion, but I can't say for sure. Is that all you wanted to know?"

"No, I need to get a hold of Fury."

Phil didn't answer for a moment.

"Whatever you're planning to say to him, you should reconsider."

"Phil, this is my kid we're talking about. I'm not backing down. They have him strapped to the bed, just like when Steve found him, after he was deemed killed in action. I can't let them do this to him."

Phil sighed.

"I hear you, but I don't think Fury will budge on this."

"Are you going to give me his number or not?" Sam demanded, his voice hard.

* * *

Fury didn't back down, but Sam put up one hell of a fight. He finally agreed that if Sam was in the room, then he could be free of his restraints. Sam was determined to not leave his side, at least until the restraints were no longer a threat being dangled over his Littles head.

The doctors said it could take a long time to recover, but he should be good enough to be released from the ER shortly. The lack of straight answers was terribly frustrating to Sam. Noone was willing give him a definitive, this is how long it will be, kind of answer.

Sam wasn't terribly shocked by the vagueness, but that didn't make it easier.

* * *

"What the fuck? How could you keep this from me?" 

Tony came storming into the hospital room. Steve stood up form where he'd been, curled up next to Bucky, and went to him. Tony glared at him, but didn't back away when Steve wrapped his arms around his waist. He turned his hard gaze on Sam. He was furious that Bucky had gone through surgery and been in the ER for a whole day before anyone bothered to mention that his boyfriend had lost his arm.

"I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't want you to find out while you were Little." Sam told him.

"If someone would have told me, I wouldn't have been." He snapped.

"I asked them to hold off until you were Big, doll. If ya wanna be angry at someone, be angry at me." Bucky spoke up from the hospital bed.

Tony clenched his fists and cursed. He pulled Steve with him to the side of the bed.

"You had no right to make that call." He said, but the heat had left had left his words.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"God dammit, shut up!"

Tony pulled him in for a kiss. Bucky kissed him back, wrapping his arm around Tony. Tony pulled back when he accidentally touched Bucky's shoulder. Bucky hissed, but tried to tug him closer anyways.

"Jesus, look at you. You're a damn fool you know that. You should have never left my side and put yourself in danger."

Bucky chuckled. He opened his mouth, probably to apologize, but Tony kissed him again. He was careful to keep his hand away from the injury and cupped his face instead.

* * *

It only took a few days for them to deem him stable enough to move to the recovery ward. Sam finally went home to shower and eat real food, now that the restraints were off the table. Tony was lying on the bed curled up to Bucky's side, when Steve came in.

"Hey, sweetheart. How are you?" He asked Bucky, leaning over Tony to kiss him.

"Been better." Bucky said, with a smirk.

Steve chuckled, but his eyes were worried. He brushed a hand through the sleeping man's hair, but his eyes stayed on Bucky.

"How long has he been out?"

"Since about ten minutes after he got here. I think he's spending all of his time in his lab working on the damn prosthetic arm." Bucky sounded annoyed.

Steve frowned at him, brushing his hand through his long hair. He didn't bother mentioning that Tony had been in his lab most of the time that they were gone. Sam had told him that, but Steve didn't think it'd make Bucky feel better.

"You know he just wants to feel useful. He wants to give you something that will make it better."

Bucky scoffed.

"Better? Steve, I lost my arm. There is no better."

"Hey, don't say that. There is. If it's possible, Tony will make it happen. I believe it's possible. I've been praying for you, Buck. Going to services and asking God to help you. To help us. We're gonna be okay. You're gonna be ok."

Bucky's expression was hard and cold. He didn't want anymore promises that couldn't be kept.

"Just leave it alone, Steve. I don't want to talk about it."

Steve gave him a smile, that was closer to a grimace.

"Of course, Buck."

"Come on. Climb up."

"Bucky, I don't wanna hurt you."

Bucky rolled his eyes at his partner.

"You're not gonna hurt me by laying with me. You will hurt me if you keep rejecting my offer to be close to me. I'll start thinkin' ya don't like me no more, Captain."

"Don't call me that."

"Should I call you Daddy, instead."

Steve cringed.

"Jesus, Buck. I love you, but please don't."

"Okay, well then get your ass up here and cuddle me, punk."

Steve huffed, but walked around the bed and layed down. He was hesitant to lay his head on Bucky's shoulder. He propped himself up on his elbow and touched the stub lightly with his other hand. Bucky watched him and Steve tried to judge by his expression, if he was in pain or not. He was on pain meds, so it probably would be fine.

"Does that hurt?"

"Barely feel a thing. Which is a shame, since you've barely touched me since, ya know I lost my arm and all."

"Bucky. It's not that I don't want to touch you, but what if I hurt you? You know I'd never be able to forgive myself."

Bucky rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh.

"Steve, you've spanked me before. I think laying your head on my shoulder's gonna be just fine."

Steve flinched.

"And I still regret doing that, okay. Bucky, I'm really sorry about that. I know I lost my temper with you that time. It was really hard for me to be Big all the time, but it's no excuse. I know I scared you and I reminded you of your dad and how he used to beat. I should have never raised a hand to you. Not with your dad and the torture and everything."

"We're those separate things, 'cause I'm pretty sure living with my dad was torture." Bucky said, jokingly.

"It's not a joke, Buck. I saw him hit you and pin you down and I saw you strapped to that damn table when I saved you." Steve's voice cracked with emotion, his eyes tearing up. "And I still held ya down and hit ya, Buck. Ya were screaming and everything and all I could think about was how angry I was. God, I wouldn't have blamed ya if ya'd never forgiven me."

Steve's voice was thick with unveiled emotions, his Brooklyn accent showing, and his eyes wet.

"Hey, Stevie stop. You're nothing like my dad. He hit us because he liked to see us helpless and in pain. You hated it. You cried longer than I did that day. I forgive you for that. I know how hard taking care of me was for you. You never wanted to have to take care of me. You never forgave yourself for any of the mistakes you made. I didn't bring it up to hurt you. I shouldn'ta brought it up at all. I was just trying to make a joke, but it was a bad one. I dont know why I said it. I'm sorry, Stevie."

"I-" Steve shook his and sighed. "Please, dont apologize. I know I'm not your dad, but hittin' ya wasn't just some little mistake. Ya have serious trauma and I had no right to do that to ya. I hurt ya. Even after ya could sit without it hurting, ya flinched away from me for months after that. Months, baby. I'll never forgive myself for that."

"Hey, stop. I'd let ya hit me as much as ya want, Stevie. You mean the world to me. I'll always forgive you no matter what you do." Bucky said, his voice light and teasing, but his eyes dead serious.

"God, Bucky. Don't say that. That's awful. I don't want ya to forgive me for hurting ya."

Bucky rolled his eyes.

"It's true, doll. I mean it. I'm with ya till the end of the line. No matter what ya do."

"I know. I know you are and I know you mean it. That makes it so much worse. I know I could beat ya half to death and you'd stay with me. That doesn't make me feel good, Buck. I don't want that. If I hurt ya, I want to know that ya'd respect yourself enough to leave me."

Bucky scoffed.

"I respect myself just fine."

"Do ya though? 'Cause telling me I can hit ya and ya'd stay, doesn't make me feel like ya do."

"Ya'd never hit me, Stevie." Bucky said, like it was ridiculous.

"I did though, Buck. I was your legal guardian. As far the world's concerned, I owned you. I abused that power by takin' my anger out on you. Didn't you ever even consider leavin' me?"

"What? Of course not. Steve, ya hit me once, 'cause I was bein' a brat. You weren't abusin' me."

"I hit ya, until ya passed out and ya couldn't sit for days." Steve said, like he was gonna be sick just thinking about it.

His head hung in shame. Bucky desperately wantedvthsi conversation to end. He just wanted Steve to feel better. Why did he have to bring that up? It was so stupid.

"One time. God, it was only one time." Bucky said, trying to convince him that it was fine.

"If I'd kept doin' it? Would you have left me then?" Steve said, his eyes serious as they searched Bucky's.

Bucky looked away from the intense gaze, glancing down at Tony instead. The man was still asleep. His breath brushing Bucky's neck as he breathed out short puffs of air. He was glad that Tony was asleep for this. He wished his arm wasn't trapped under the sleeping man, so he could brush his hair aside or comb his fingers through his hair. He settled for rubbing his shoulder and pulling him closer.

Bucky sighed, before answering Steve.

"You were my guardian. I couldn't have left you even if I wanted to. Besides, I'd never leave ya, Stevie. You know that."

His voice was small as he spoke the words. He was tired. He knew that it wasn't what Steve wanted to hear, but it was the truth.

"I know, sweetheart. Lord, do I know that. That's the problem."

Steve looked miserable, and Bucky was frustrated.

"Look, I don't wanna talk about this. It's ridiculous."

"Bucky. Whenever we bring up your dad's abuse to Becca, what does she always say?"

Bucky glared at Steve.

"That's different. Your not an abusive asshole."

Steve was trying desperately to get his point across and failing, just like he had every other time they'd ever had this discussion. He glanced at Tony. The last time they talked about this was months ago, before Tony was theirs. He wondered if that changed things.

"What if it was Tony?"

Bucky rolled his eyes.

"Tony would never hit me, Steve. Just drop it won't ya?"

"No, I won't just drop it. What if I hit Tony? Would ya be so quick to forgive me then?"

Bucky's breath caught in his throat and Steve knew he'd finally gotten through to him. Bucky's eyes flashed down to the sleeping man, who was oblivious to their argument. He swallowed feeling ill at the thought of Steve holding Tony down while he screamed and spanking him until he fainted from the pain. He glared at Steve.

"You wouldn't dare." His voice was low and deadly.

"But if I did to him what I did to you, would you think it was okay? Even if he'd misbehaved. Even if I was angry with him. Would you be so quick to excuse it?"

Bucky clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding together. His blood was boiling in his veins, pounding in his eardrums, until it drowned out the ticking of the clock on the wall and Tony's even breaths. 

"Answer me, Buck." Steve said, his words soft, almost a whisper.

"No." He gritted out, through clenched teeth.

"Thank God. That's all I was tryna get you to see. Some things shouldn't just be forgiven, Buck. If you wouldn't be okay with it happening to Tony, or to me, you shouldn't be okay with it happening to yourself."

"I don't wanna talk about it." Bucky muttered.

"Okay, that's fine, sweetheart."

"Don't call me that." Bucky snapped.

His sudden anger, caught both him and Steve off guard. Bucky was furious. Steve's eyes widened. He sucked in a breath and rolled off the bed.

"I should go. I'm sorry. I know I did you wrong, Bucky. I shouldn't have stayed with ya afterwards, 'cause even if ya couldn't see it. I could. I knew what I did, and I had no excuses that meant anything then or anything now."

Bucky could hear what Steve was saying clearly, for the first time, but he didn't want him to leave. He needs him. He's always been there. Bucky was there for him, when they were growing up and Steve was weak and scrawny. Bucky struggled to view him as scary or compare what he did to what his dad did, because this was his Stevie. Steve was beautiful and perfect and he could be so shy sometimes and other times he could be a pain in the ass, but he was his bestfriend. Always had been, always would be.

"Shut up, Steve. Lay back down." Bucky said, sighing.

Steve shook his head. He took a step back, but froze when Bucky snapped at him.

"Goddammit! I'd pull ya down, but I'm missin' an arm. So don't take advantage of me and lay your ass back down."

Steve hesitated, but laid down when Bucky narrowed his eyes at him.

"I really am sorry. I'd understand if you did want me to leave." Steve whispered.

"Jesus, I know, Steve. I heard ya the first million times ya apologized. Please, just shut up. Don't threaten our boyfriend and we'll be fine."

Steve couldn't help the way his lips twitched into a small smile, though his eyes remained haunted by the past. Bucky always did have a protective streak.

"Okay." He said, softly.

Bucky was relieved when the man relaxed, and leaned into him. He needed to have Steve close right now. His emotions were warring inside him. He was so uncertain of how he felt. Not just about the past but the current situation. He'd just lost his arm for God's sake. He didn't want to think about that though. It was almost easier to open up his old wounds than to prod at his fresh one.

Steve fell asleep curled up by his side, but Bucky laid awake. He was thinking about what Steve had said. It was either that or think about his missing arm. Neither was a great option. Bucky choice to focus on the former.

Steve was right, Bucky would never tolerate something like that happening to Tony, or to Steve for that matter. Steve had brought that up before, and Bucky had always scoffed at it. He would never hit Steve. Of course, if he did, he'd want Steve to be upset about it and to leave him. Bucky had never been able to connect that to their situation. He would be the villain in that story. That made it easy for him.

Seeing Steve as the villain though? That was unfathomable to Bucky.

Steve was so good. He was practically a saint, as far as Bucky was concerned. Something clicked inside of Bucky when Steve brought Tony into it though. Morel like, something snapped, really. Bucky would be at a loss if Steve or Tony hurt each other. What would he do?

He loved them both so much. He couldn't imagine having to deal with that. If Steve hurt Tony, he'd never want to let him near Tony again. How would he very walk away from Steve though. Steve was his whole world. Always had been. Sure, it had expanded, when he met Sam and then fell for Tony. Still, Steve was, well, Steve.

He knew he'd have the same struggle if it was reversed though. If it was Tony who hurt Steve. Bucky would be just as much at a loss and desperate to keep Tony away from Steve.

Bucky sighed.

He wasn't sure that dwelling on this was better than dwelling on his arm, or lack there of. Just thinking about that made him feel like he was really going to die. Like he'd fallen and not survived. It made him feel so hollow. Empty inside. He hated that. The hurt and anger he felt towards Steve, was easier to bear. He could tolerate the pain. What he couldn't handle was feeling numb. So, he focused on the rage curling in his stomach. On the pain in his heart.

It was so black and white when he thought about it in terms of his partners? So, why did he it seem so different, when he was part of the equation? Did he really have no self-respect?

Bucky wasn't sure. He couldn't be sure if he'd ever known what that felt like. He wasn't sure he really believed that he deserved respect. He grew up being told he was worthless. Did he even know what it felt like to not feel that way?

Steve, Sam, and Tony seemed to think he was worth keeping around. They loved him. He knew that without a doubt. He often didn't feel like he deserved that love though. He didn't think he was really worth all the trouble. He was Little so often. He struggled to be Big. When he managed to be Big, it was even harder for him to stay that way, for any extended period of time. It only seemed to be getting worse too. Most weeks, he was only Big one or maybe two days.

He often felt like he was nothing but a burden on Sam. He worried that Steve tried to be Big so frequently, because Steve didn't want to take away from Bucky. That would be just like Steve. To not want to be Little, because that meant Sam couldn't devote as much time to Bucky. Bucky really believed it now that Tony was a part of their family. Steve really was only Little about one day a week. Maybe two. It was like he and Steve were polar opposites in that respect.

Bucky felt awful, as he laid there dwelling in his despair. He was positive now, that he didn't respect himself, because he couldn't possibly figure out what that meant. He was sure that it couldn't be the way he felt now. Full of self-doubt as he pondered over whether he was even worth the trouble of keeping around. Maybe it would have been better if he had died. He would only be more of a burden, now that he was missing an arm.

The negative thoughts swirled in Bucky's mind. Threatening to consume him. It was awful that he was just happy that he didn't feel numb. His body was numb to the pain, but his mind was haunted by the past. By his dad, and war. By Steve. He allowed himself to focus on the past, because it fought off the numbness that he felt, when he thought it might have been better if he had just died when he fell from the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was too much. I feel like crying now. I hope you guys don't hate me for this. I kinda hate me for doing this to my poor baby. Oh Bucky, you've been through so much and you're still suffering so much.
> 
> I am excited to finally explore Bucky a bit more though. I've been considering how to do that, ever since the Thanksgiving chapter, when it was revealed that his family is awful. 
> 
> So, I mean this isn't necessarily about his family, but we do get to see a bit more into his mind and how he suffers with a lack of self-worth.


	2. Justifications and Self-Preservation

"Why are you guys being weird?"

Steve looked up from the chair where he was seated, sketching on a pad of paper and Bucky glanced down at Tony who was curled up next to him on the hospital bed. Tony raised a brow, looking between the two of them. They'd been acting strange. Steve's been distant, barely touching either of them. It was almost like he was afraid they would break if he did.

Bucky was even more reserved than usual. He used to talk to them, join in on the conversation, at least when it was just the three of them or Sam. Now he just hummed responses and sighed when Tony tried to get him to talk. At first Tony assumed this had to do with Bucky's arm, or lack thereof, but that didn't explain why he barely looked at Steve or why Steve didn't want to sleep in the penthouse with Tony anymore.

"What do you mean, sweetheart?" Steve asked, resting his pad of paper on his knee.

"I mean you guys are being weird." Tony huffed out. "Does this have to do with Bucky's arm? 'Cause I kinda feel like it's something else."

They shared a look over the top of Tony's head that made him frown. He sat up, pushing out of Bucky's arm, and slid off the bed. His feet moving of their own accord as he paced back and forth in front of the bed. Tony was on edge. Something was wrong. Something beside his boyfriend being in a hospital bed, because he lost his arm falling off of a train. Which was bad enough as is. The last thing they needed was for something else to be wrong.

"Tony." Bucky said, sighing. "Lay back down, love."

"No. I want to know. Are you guys fighting, or something?"

Steve dropped his head into his hands and groaned. Bucky just fidgeted on the bed, his hand twisting the sheet. Tony noted their discomfort as he paced. He didn't understand. He was upset about everything that had happened. He spent countless hours locked in his lab trying to find a solution, and they were what? Fighting like a married couple? He really wanted to understand, but he needed them to open up to him.

"I would get it if this had to do with your mission. Just you need to tell me, because you're both acting weird and distant. I don't like it."

Their eyes avoided his pacing form, looking at eachother quickly before looking away.

"Well, anyone?"

Steve sighed, and stood up, grabbing his sketch pad and pencil in one hand.

"I'm sorry, love." He said to Tony, than glanced at Bucky. "I really am."

Bucky glared at him.

"The more you apologize, the less I like you." He snapped, bitterly.

"You should be angry. You know I'm in the wrong." Steve insisted.

"Yeah, whatever. I still don't care. It was one time, Steve. I'm fine."

Bucky wasn't being entirely honest. He didn't know how he felt about it. He had always brushed it off, telling himself it was his fault. Then, Steve brought up Tony. Now, Bucky was left feeling lost. He didn't really care that Steve had hurt him, but he was starting to think that maybe that was a problem. Maybe that was Steve's point. That Bucky should have cared. He should have been angry or upset. Instead he had blamed himself, the way his mom and sister always did when his dad hurt them.

Bucky had always been irritated when Steve had brought up his family, as though he was anything like Bucky's dad. Then Steve had to drag Tony into it, by asking how Bucky would feel if it had been Tony in his place. It had infuriated him. Made him want to scream and yell and tell Steve off. The way he felt when he thought of Tony getting hurt, was so drastically different than how he felt when it was him. He couldn't help but think there was absolutely nothing Tony could do that would excuse Steve spanking him the way he had Bucky.

Then that voice in his head would always butt in. It was just one time. He was just angry. Bucky had been really difficult and he wasn't listening. Steve was stressed out and at his wits end and he punished him. That's what Caregivers did, right?

Except, Sam didn't. Sam never hit him. Not even a smack to get his attention when he wasn't paying attention. Sam put him in timeout if Bucky was being too difficult, otherwise he just scolded him for his misbehavior.

Bucky would never tolerate Sam hitting Steve or Tony, but he probably would justify it if he Sam hit him. He'd probably say that he was just being bad and Sam was just correcting his behavior. Maybe that was just because of the way he was raised. When you were smacked around as a kid, it was hard to believe getting smacked wasn't your fault. He could see now that his dad had been in the wrong though. It was easy when it came to his dad. He was an asshole through and through. No love or affection, just sneers and cruelty.

It was harder when it came to Steve, because Steve was so loving and always babied him, even more than he'd liked most of the time. When Steve had lost it after a few drinks, Bucky had rushed to justify why it was okay in his head. That it was his fault for being Little and not behaving. That it was his fault that Steve had to be Big all that time, and that's what had driven him to downing half a bottle of Pendleton.

Steve barely ever drank before that night and drank even less afterwards. He'd been so ashamed. Had regretted it so deeply. Spent days rubbing soothing cream on Bucky's sore bum and apologizing until he was in tears and sobbing so hard, his apologies were no longer intelligible.

Nothing about that was anything like Bucky's dad.

Sure, Bucky had flinched away from Steve for months afterwards, even though he was adamant that Steve wasn't at fault. He comforted and soothed him, even though his heart raced and dread filled him anytime Steve came near him. It was just self preservation kicking in. He had been triggered by the spanking. He had been afraid of Steve and it had taken a while for Bucky to truly believe he wasn't going to just start getting hit all the time.

He still hadn't blamed Steve for it. He was raised being told that it was his fault. That's what came most naturally to him. Besides, Steve had been so nice and clearly ashamed of what he'd done, that Bucky would have felt bad if he'd gotten angry at him.

He was starting to think that's what Steve was most worried about. Bucky was seriously starting to question himself. Did he not have any self-respect? Was that why it had been so easy to justify? He knew he had low self-esteem. He'd overcompensated for it when he was younger by being outgoing and charming and oozing confidence that he never truly felt inside. But that didn't mean he didn't respect himself, right?

He wasn't sure. He didn't know what he thought anymore. So yeah, he had been acting weird, pulling away from Steve and clinging to Tony. Steve didn't help the situation either, because he felt that Bucky should pull away from him. That he should be hurt and angry and disgusted. So, Steve kept his distance too.

Bucky was so confused. He wanted to pull Steve into his arms and reassure him that everything was fine. The problem was, everytime he told Steve it was fine, he felt like he was lying. He wished he had never brought it up in the first place, so he wouldn't have to feel like this. So, he wouldn't have to question himself or Steve or their relationship. So, he wouldn't have to consider if it had been a problem that he just hadn't recognized.

Steve left and Tony looked like he wanted to scream at him. He didn't. He just let out a frustrated sigh and sat down next to Bucky.

"You can't walk out on me, so why don't you tell me what the fuck is happening here."

"Tony, I can't."

Bucky had never told Tony about his past with his dad, but he knew if he opened up this can of worms, that's where the conversation would lead to. It all stemmed from that. The way Steve had seen Bucky being punished, and how he'd hated it. How he'd wanted to kill his dad for hurting him.

Then he'd become his guardian and he spent years suppressing the urge to drop, until he snapped. He bent Bucky over his knee, his voice raised as he told him that he understood why his dad had hurt him. That it was Bucky's fault for being a brat and not behaving. That if Bucky would just be good noone would have to hurt him.

He'd been drunk and he wasn't supposed to be a Caregiver. He wasn't supposed to be suppressing who he was inside for years on end, but he had. He'd done it for Bucky and as much as he loved Bucky, it'd left him resentful. He had resented the responsibility. It was one thing to baby Bucky every now and again when he felt like it. It was a totally different thing to have to be the full-time parent. To have to be the disciplinarian. Then there was the complication of them being in a Big relationship. Nothing about it felt equal, when Steve had all of the authority and power, while Bucky was the only one allowed to let go and ignore all of the responsibilities.

It had been a bad situation all around and Bucky didn't want to talk about it with Tony. He liked to remember the good times he'd had with his daddy, not the frustration and pain and yelling. He knew that's what Steve remembered though. That's why he thought he had been such a bad daddy. He couldn't shake off the sound of Bucky's screams as he begged his daddy to stop, as he promised to be good, if only the pain would end.

Bucky shuddered.

He didn't want to think about. He definitely didn't want Tony to know about it. Any of it. Sure, he knew Steve had been his daddy, but he didn't know how bad things had gotten towards the end. Both of them so fucked up from their less than ideal childhoods and their PTSD from the war. Two broken Littles trying to come together and hurting themselves and eachother in the process. He didn't want Tony to find out about all of that.

What if it scared him away? What if he didn't want to be with them anymore, because they were too fucked up? Bucky didn't think he could take it if he lost Tony. He couldn't imagine losing either of them.

"Hey, Bucky. It's okay, baby."

Bucky hadn't realized he was crying, until Tony was wiping tears off of his cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I can't tell you. I just- I can't."

Tony swallowed. He looked like he wanted to argue, but he nodded.

"Okay. I'm sorry, love. I shouldn't have pressed you. I know things are hard right now. I wasn't being very sensitive of that."

Tony kissed him and it was so soft and tender. Suddenly, the floodgates opened and Bucky couldn't stop the words as they came flowing out.

"It's not about my arm. I mean, don't get me wrong, that sucks shit. I'm trying not to think about it too much though. I opened an old wound between me and Stevie and I'm starting to wonder if I did that hoping to cause a fight. Maybe I just really needed something even more painful to focus on. Or maybe I'm just an idiot and really thought joking about him spanking me was a good idea." Bucky laughed, and Tony frowned at the self deprecating sound of it.

"Spanking you? Like in the bedroom?" He said, raising a brow.

Bucky cringed.

"No, not the good kind of spanking, Tony. The nonconsensual kind."

Tony's eyes widened briefly, but he schooled his features quick enough.

"When you were his Little?"

Bucky grimaced and sighed.

"Yeah. It wasn't all rainbows and lollipops for us. It was-" He stopped, swallowing hard. "It was challenging."

Tony nodded and laid down next to Bucky, Bucky's arm wrapping around him. They were silent for a while and Bucky really wished he knew what Tony was thinking about.

"Did he hurt you a lot?"

Bucky shook his head quickly.

"No, of course not. It wasn't like that, doll. Stevie's not an abusive asshole like-" He had to cut himself of, to keep from saying like his dad. "He only spanked me once. We were both in a pretty bad place at the time and he was drunk and it was, well, it was pretty bad. It never happened again though. Steve started going to counseling, we both did, even though we both hated the thought of it. It helped though. We started attending VA too. That's how we met Sam. So, it all worked out for the best. We had to reach a breaking point in order to really acknowledge how bad things were, I guess."

Tony frowned, but didn't say anything. He rested his head on Bucky's shoulder and Bucky ran his fingers through the smaller man's hair. He held him close. Bucky couldn't pretend that the thought of Tony being hurt was one of his worst nightmares. He kissed his head, glad to know he was safe in his arms.

"I've hurt people I cared about before, with out really meaning to. I choked Pepper once when she woke me up. I was having a bad dream and I thought I was back in that cave in Afghanistan. I wasn't though. I was passed out on Pepper's couch after a night of partying. I felt bad afterwards and she understood that I hadn't meant it. We didn't hangout for a while after that, and when we had to see eachother for work, she kept her distance. Even when you know someone feels bad about something, it can still be hard to not feel afraid of them." Tony admitted.

Bucky didn't say anything to that. He didn't say that he'd taken swings at Steve, after being woken up from nightmares. He didn't say that he'd been afraid of Steve after the spanking and it took months for him to realize it wouldn't happen again. He didn't say anything. He just held Tony and stroked his hair and pretended that this was all that mattered. That none of the bad stuff from his past ever happened. That he hadn't gone on a mission and fallen to what he was sure would be his death, only to wake up missing an arm and strapped down to a table like he was still being tortured by the Russians.

He kissed Tony's head and sighed.

He really just wanted this all to end. He wanted his arm back. He wanted his life back. He was so concerned that nothing would ever be the same again.


	3. Haunted Memories

The weather outside was blustery, cold and wet, as the rain poured down in sheets and broken umbrellas filled the streets. The chaos of it all, reflected Bucky's inner turmoil well. He couldn't shake the memory of falling off that train. Hanging on as the bolts of the outer rail detached one by one, until he was plummeting to certain death. It really was a miracle he had survived at all. That's what the doctors had said anyways.

So, why didn't he feel lucky.

He'd lost his arm, and maybe that shouldn't be that big of a deal, because Tony would make him something new. He knew he would. It was Tony afterall. He knew that he should be grateful to the man for dedicating so much time and energy to making him a prosthetic. If Tony asked he would tell him how grateful he was, but it'd be a lie. It all was a lie. Holding it together. Smiling and laughing like nothing had happened. Holding Tony in his arm like it didn't matter that he only had one. Fuck that. It mattered. It fucking mattered.

He couldn't hold Tony with one arm and brush his hair out of his eyes with the other, because it wasn't there anymore. He couldn't hold both Tony and Steve. Not that Steve laid down with him anymore. He knew logically it wasn't that he was disgusted that he had a stub. Steve was doing what Steve did best. Being stubborn. Pretending he knew what was best for Bucky. Trying to give him what he thought he needed.

Bucky didn't want space. He wanted to be held close and have the constant reminder that he wasn't alone in this. At the same time, he was terribly confused. He was hurt and angry. Pissed off that he lost his arm. Terrified, because he kept having nightmares about falling. The new trauma triggered his postwar trauma as well. The excruciating pain of almost dying reminded him of being tortured for months on end. Waking up strapped down to the hospital bed, reminded him of being restrained and experimented on. Being given the serum they'd stolen from the US army. The same serum Steve was voluntarily injected with to make him stronger, like an extreme dose of steroids.

He felt like an idio,t because on top of all of that. He had ripped open even more scars and now he was left bleeding. Raw and bloody and filled with dread. He couldn't believe he'd brought up that spanking. He hadn't meant to. Really he hadn't. It just kinda slipped out and then he couldn't take it back.

Steve was dead set on making him understand the severity of the situation. Now Bucky was questioning everything. Questioning if it was healthy the way he clung to Steve. The way he knew it wouldn't have mattered if Steve had hit him a million times, while at the same time he justified it by saying it had only happened once.

He was confused, because he knew it would have been different if it had been Tony in his place. He knew that he'd never let Steve or anyone else hurt Tony. He knew that if Sam hurt Steve like that and tried to reason it away by saying he was his guardian, the way Bucky had reasoned away what Steve had done, that Bucky would have lost his shit. As much as he knew these things. He still heard that voice in his head that was quick to wave it off. To say it wasn't a big deal. He'd listened to that voice for so many years, he struggled to not hear it.

Bucky couldn't fight off the part of him that thought Steve was right. That maybe it was a big deal. That maybe it hadn't been okay. Hadn't been something that Bucky should have just waved off. That he shouldn't have rushed to justify the cruel actions, even if it had been Steve. He loved Steve and Steve loved him too. It was easy to see how Bucky couldn't condemn him. How it was so easy to say it was just a one time thing. That Bucky had been at fault for making him angry. It was so much easier for him to justify it than it was to think about it maybe being wrong. Than questioning if he should have stayed after that.

He didn't regret staying. He loved Steve and trusted him and would forgive him for anything. He was starting to see the flaws in that kind of thinking. How quickly he forgave something, that perhaps should have enraged him. How quickly he blamed himself for something that he'd had no control over. He had been Little and helpless and made to feel like he was being punished for being bad. He had felt bad. Like the worst kid ever. Like he'd deserved it even as he begged for it to end. Like his daddy had been in the right.

He grimaced. Thinking of Steve as his daddy was too much right now. It brought everything into question. Dragged all of the darkest times of those days into the light. Forced him to reevaluate their every interaction. To reinterpret it all, from a more judgmental frame of mind. To wonder if the good had outweighed the bad. To wonder if he would have stayed if Steve hadn't gotten help. If it had continued.

The truth was, he knew without a doubt he would have stayed. Before Sam and Tony, and their friends, Steve had been his everything. He had noone else to turn to, nowhere else to go. He would have brushed off a million hits as his fault. It made him sick now to really think about it. To know that that's what his mom and sister had always done with his dad. What he himself had been raised to do. To justify the cruel actions.

It was even easier to brush it off and mark it up as Bucky having been a brat and having deserved it, when it came to Steve. He wasn't abusive and cruel like his dad. He didn't enjoy hurting others. He'd been so distressed afterwards, so much more so than Bucky, that it had been easy for Bucky to reach out and comfort him, even though he flinched away from him first. To promise him that everything was fine. To forgive him at the drop of a hat. He guessed that's what Steve was so worried about.

Bucky knew it was a nice distraction too. Ripping open wounds that he didn't have to open up, in a futile attempt to ignore the wounds he couldn't avoid. The years being tortured and tested on. The fear that had filled him as he held onto the side of the train. He'd looked at Steve, reached out for him and as he fell, he'd screamed, not for his boyfriend to save him, but for his daddy to swoop in and make it all better. When he woke up in a cold sweat, nightmares of the fall haunting him, it was that word that fell off his lips. He wanted his daddy to save him. To kiss his boo boo and make it okay again. Yet, he'd also said the one thing that would drive him away.

He'd opened up the one wound that would make Steve stay away, and make Bucky fear him coming close as much as he still wanted him near. After that argument in the hospital room, Steve had laid down next to him. Tony was already asleep on his otherside. They'd fallen asleep too, and when he woke up, Tony was gone, back to his lab no doubt. Bucky had been dreaming, not nightmares of falling, but of that night. Of screaming bloody murder as large hands came down on his bum again and again. Of passing out from the intensity of the pain. Of holding Steve in his arms as he cried and the sorrys fell out. Of feeling the sting, before the cream soothed the burning ache. The relief that had once been a good thing, swirling in his mind, tainted by his new perspective.

He had flinched away from Steve in that hospital bed. Steve reached out for him as Bucky cried out, screaming daddy, his eyes wide and terrified. He'd reached out for Bucky, to comfort him like he always did, and Bucky had flinched away and cried harder. This time he hadn't been calling for his daddy to save him. He'd been calling out for his daddy to stop. Steve had looked so hurt when Bucky rejected him, devastated. He'd practically lurched away from Bucky, like he was a monster who shouldn't be allowed near. He'd called Sam and fled as soon as Sam arrived.

Now, even when Steve did come to see him, he kept his distance. Bucky wasn't sure he wanted him near, but he hated not having him there at the same time. Everything was so confusing. He just wanted his daddy back. He didn't want to question everything. He wanted to be comforted and told it didn't matter. Steve wouldn't do that though and Bucky knew it. He wasn't going to brush it under the rug again and pretend everything was fine. He wanted Bucky to hate him. He wanted to be punished for his crimes. He needed it if he wanted to find redemption.

Bucky didn't need redemption. He was finally accepting that he hadn't been in the wrong. What he needed was clarity.

* * *

Steve awoke in a cold sweat. He'd been dreaming of watching Bucky fall. The sounds of his screams filling his ear. Daddy echoed in his head and he broke down crying. He was a horrible daddy. He couldn't save his baby. Couldn't protect him from this brutal world. He'd even caused him pain. He was miserable he wanted nothing more than to go to him and hold him close, but he couldn't. He wouldn't do that, not now. He could see the confusion in Bucky's eyes, read the uncertainty on his face. He didn't know how he felt, or what he wanted and Steve couldn't step in and give him the answers. He wouldn't manipulate him like that.

So, he stayed away, kept his distance. When he couldn't, he would sketch by his bedside, never reaching out for him, but drawing pictures of Bucky with his hand stretched out to Steve. The images that haunted his mind, found their way to his pad of paper. Bucky with his arm outstretched, his eyes pleading for his daddy to save him. Bucky midfall, screaming daddy. Bucky lying on the ground, his arm attached by threads, blood everywhere. He looked dead. Steve had been sure he'd lost him.

The tears kept coming as the horrible memories flooded his brain. Finding Bucky strapped down to the table when he saved him from Zola. Seeing Bucky restrained in the hospital bed. Watching Bucky's dad beat him and hold him down. Watching Bucky scream as he held him down himself. Steve's hands clawed at his hair. He hated himself for that night. For downing half a bottle of whiskey, until he was taking out his anger and resentment on the Little in his care.

He felt like a terrible human being, and he'd spent years trying to make up for it. Working at the agency to try and right his wrongs by doing good. Nothing he did could possibly make up for that night though. He knew God was the only one who could forgive him now. Bucky said he forgave him, but Bucky was a lost and confused child, who loved his daddy and wanted to forget the pain. His forgiveness was muddled by the past. He was raised to forgive the abuse, to believe he had caused it. It didn't make Steve feel better when Bucky said he forgives him, it made him feel worse. It made him sick to his stomach. Filled him with disgust for Bucky's dad and for himself. He wasn't convinced that he was any better than the man who'd hurt Bucky when they were growing up.

"Steve?" Tony's concerned voice broke through his self-loathing.

"Tony, what are you doing here?" 

"I was in my lab, and JARVIS told me you were having a hard time."

Steve cursed. Of course the damn AI had told on him.

"I'm fine, Tony. Go back to your lab."

Tony scoffed.

"Clearly you're not. You're crying. Let me help you, please."

Steve wanted to let him. He really did, but he didn't deserve the comfort.

"If you want to comfort someone, go see Bucky."

Tony sighed and slid down the wall, not coming any closer. His head dropped into his hands.

"He misses you. I can tell."

"He shouldn't."

Tony groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

"I can't keep doing this. It's killing me, Steve. You two need to make up. There's too much shit going on right now. I can't take the anguish and suffering. It's like you guys are flogging yourselves, punishing yourselves over and over again and refusing to stop and let yourselves heal before you continue. The endless self-torment and pity is too much for me."

Steve swallowed. He wanted to pull him into his arms and promise to stop. Promise to make it all better. He couldn't.

"Than don't stay."

Tony's eyes snapped to his and he glared.

"You know what? Fuck you!"

Tony got up and slammed the door on his way out. Steve was miserable, but he knew he deserved to be, so he sat there and kept wallowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg this is so dark. These boys are in such a dark place. I promise it gets better though
> 
> I know this was a really hard one to read, so if you stuck with me through it, I just want to say thank you! 
> 
> It was hard for me to write this and I know it's not easy for you guys to read about them struggling so much either. It's not that long of a story, but the pain is intense
> 
> As always though thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting!
> 
> You can always chat with me about the series or leave asks on my tumblr @BuckyBearDreams


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